Green Cat - 2023 07 21

 

I have been working many days to get my studio set up so I can make a drawing or painting when the inspiration is with me.

When I am feeling low I have a terrible imagining of a judgemental bystander who is examining my life, my current state, and the choices I am making and finding me inadequate.

I collect images from my near environment: family, pets, walking in the neighbourhood.

It doesn't matter what I have done over the course of my lifetime. It doesn't matter what has happened in the past week that has exhausted me. It doesn't matter what good I might have done in the hours leading up to this moment. 

When the spirit moves me, I grab whatever is at hand and make a drawing or painting. It is these seemingly happenstance selections that bring significance and meaning to an otherwise perplexing situation.

All that seems to matter is that there is this mean person in my imagination that is telling me that I am not enough, I didn't do enough, and I will never be or do enough to catch up to everyone else.

This is why it is important to have my resources 'at hand'. If I can't move quickly into making a drawing or painting, I will lose the moment and there is a kind of sadness and frustration that accompanies that loss.

I have enough skill to stand back and look at what is happening and acknowledge I am feeling miserable and there isn't anyone or anything that can 'fix' me. I say to myself, "Nothing in. Nothing out. Stop."

This neighbour cat was sitting watching the world as we walked by and I managed to catch a few images before the moment was lost. This was the image that stood out for me as I looked for something to draw.

When I stop trying, when I stop over-compensating for my feared and painful sense of inadequacy, what I feel is this overwhelming need to cry. I don't want to cry on anyone's shoulder. I don't want to be comforted. It is more like the tears need a place and time where they can flow without interruption, without judgement, without reason. It is energy that feels obstructed, censured, oppressed. That energy seems to only find true release in tears supported by journalling to put the feelings into words so I can recognize what is happening.

I pulled an appealing pencil crayon from the collection. It was a lovely grey-green and that became the base for the pallet for the drawing. I did not know how much I would love its mark until the first layer of contour and edges was laid onto the sheet of vellum.

So this afternoon, when I thought I was going to have this free and easy summer afternoon, a Friday afternoon at the end of the week, to do whatever I wanted, I sat in my room and allowed the tears to flow.

It has taken weeks for me to get organized enough to have everything ready to mix up a quick grey acrylic wash using iron oxide. To have my jar of brushes ready to lay down the layers of paint.

When there were no more tears, I was hot and hungry. I ran a cold bath and gasping for air, submerged myself in the cold water. I walked over to the Italian delicatessen and got myself a grilled sandwich. I went back to my room to eat, but this time I felt calm, relaxed, at peace with myself.

The result is Green Cat - 2023 07 21. 

In the past, I would have tried to 'get something done' and when that didn't work, I would try to change my mood by smoking pot or drinking alcohol. Sometimes I would try to eat my way through the feelings and then, over-full, try to run away from the feelings and the awful feeling of having too much food in my system.

It is a work in progress. 

When none of these efforts would work, I would fall asleep and hope to wake up feeling better. But it never really worked and I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. There was always this judgemental voice in my head that I could not satisfy, put to sleep, or run away from. The more I tried to suppress it, the stronger and louder it grew.

I do hope to apply more layers of paint to build up the form of the cat sitting on the step on the edge of eternity. At least that is how I see it.

This is what I call skillful self care. It has taken decades to form new habits and routines, and even now I can get taken off guard, blindsided by the thoughts and feelings.